The Two Forces that Shape your Life
So far, you've made a True Decision, you've determined your goal and set the milestones required to move you along the path to achieving that goal, along with learning the tools to create change within you. You should be ready to go, and that's that. Well, that's where some other programs may end, but I don't think that is quite enough to actually succeed. While goals and milestones, provide a source of inspiration to help us move along the path, that usually isn't enough. Inspiration is a very powerful thing, provided that it is maintained and encouraged. You probably felt some great inspiration as you created your day dreams, and then again when you determined your goal and created your milestones. But if you took a break between those chapters, that inspiration can start to dwindle, allowing you to easily fall back into the same old patterns that your mind is accustomed to. Most people seem to fall into patterns in life and continue doing the same old things year after year. We are all familiar with the stories of people, trying to quit smoking or drinking, and it seems like they are doing great, until one day that person falls right back into their old routine and they are right back where they started from. Well that's no different than being confident with women, it can be easy to just fall back into those old familiar shy routines.
But, we have also heard those stories of people that quit smoking or drinking and NEVER go back. So what is the difference between the people that give up and those that never go back? Does it boil down to sheer willpower, or is there something more? I think that a strong willpower helps, but I know that there is also more at work here. And that is what I am going to share with you in this chapter.
You need to understand that there are two driving forces that greatly shape who you are as a person. It's actually quite simple, but so many people are not conscious of how these two forces act upon and impact our lives. They ultimately shape who we are and who we can become. The two forces that I am referring to are Pain and Pleasure.
Think about that. Everything we strive for, is because we want to experience some form of pleasure from it. Everything that we try to avoid, is because we are trying to avoid some form of pain.
Problems arise when we don't correctly associate pain and pleasure with the correct things. How can this happen? It's hard to believe that many people associate pleasure with something that they should associate pain with. But it happens all the time.
Why does it happen? It happens because it's not necessarily the true pain or pleasure that we are affected by, it's the perceived pain or pleasure. And that is a very important distinction.
Example 1 - Joe the Smoker
Let me illustrate my point with an example. Lets look at the hypothetical situation of Joe the Smoker. When Joe was a teenager, he thought that smoking was cool. He saw other teens smoking and thought they looked pretty cool and mature. He could see them smoking together in a large group of people, and he wanted to be their friends too, so he thought that he would give smoking a try.
Now the first thing that happened, is Joe coughed and hacked from the smoke because he smoked too deeply. So he tried another puff that wasn't too deep, and soon he was feeling a little light headed. Some of the other smokers started talking to him and Joe though to himself, ' This is cool, I am making new friends '. He found that the cigarettes were a little expensive, but well worth the cost of friendship. He quickly became friends with the other smokers at school because they had something in common and it was easy to socialize and share a smoke with someone. Soon enough, Joe considered that the smoking relaxed him, and 'calmed his nerves'. Years later, Joe would still say that smoking would relax him, but it was more about the physical addiction and mental habit of smoking at that point. Joe continued to smoke, until one day he was diagnosed with lung cancer.
It's not a very nice story is it? But lets go through and analyze how the Pain and Pleasure forces were at work with Joe. Joe associated many specific pleasures and very few pains towards smoking. Lets list them.
Pleasure
Looks Cool
Social
Light headed feeling
Relaxing
Calmed his nerves
Pain
Coughing
Expense
Looking at this list, it's easy to see why Joe stuck with smoking. It had so many benefits. But why doesn't everyone smoke? Well obviously it's because different people have different perceptions about the pain and pleasure of smoking.
Example 2 - Mark the non-Smoker
Lets take a look at Mark. Mark doesn't smoke, never has, and probably never will (unless he shifts his pain and pleasure perceptions). Here is Marks lists of Pains and Pleasures that he has associated with smoking.
Pain
Coughing
Health Risks
Second hand smoke irritating others
Addiction
Looks silly
Expense
Bad example for others
Have to go outside the office or restaurant
Pleasure
As you can see Mark never saw any pleasurable things about smoking, hence why he never tried it and probably never will. These two hypothetical people had entirely different perceptions about smoking. Notice also that there were some things in the pain column for Mark, but they weren't in either column for Joe and vice versa. That's because Joe just didn't pay any heed to those things. To him, they were non-issues that didn't affect him either way. It absolutely does not matter if these perceptions of pain or pleasure are based on reality or not. It's our perceived pain and pleasure associations that act as the major force directing our behaviour.
Incidentally, if you are a smoker, and are interested in quiting, please consider the pain/pleasure principles that we've been discussing and think about the harm that smoking causes to your body. Take this opportunity to make a positive change for the better and quit once and for all. Its not easy, I've been through it, I lost count of the number of times I quit, before finally making a true decision and making a commitment to never going back, and I'm happy to say that I haven't. For some help on quitting smoking, take advantage of the Fresh Start method of quitting smoking forever.
Now, lets get back to the Pain/Pleasure principle. Can you see that these pains and pleasures act as a balancing scale? The more perceived pleasure that we will derive from something, allows us to put up with more of the perceived pain that is also associated with it. So lets look at an example of how this pain and pleasure force affects how someone acts around women.
Example 3 - Lonely John
John wants to meet women, but he finds that he is always shy and awkward around them. He has a crush on this one particular girl that he finds really attractive, and she seems like such a nice girl. He imagines them together all the time. He tries and tries to approach her, but at the last minute he just keeps walking by without saying anything. He is afraid that she might reject him because she doesn't like him. He convinces himself that she is just too beautiful for a guy like him.
Later, at a club, John notices that this girl is sitting at a table across the room. He spends the whole time debating in his head over going and asking this girl to dance with him. When he finally works up the nerve to ask her, the lights come on, it's closing time. He walks home, alone and depressed.
Pleasure
Likes this girl
Finds her attractive
Seems to be a nice girl
Imagines they are together
Pain
Fear of rejection
Thinks she is too beautiful for him
Now looking at this list, it would appear that John should be able to overcome his pain, but it's not the number of forces that are applied that matters, it's the level of intensity. If there are massive amounts of pain associated with something, that will override a number of other things that have smaller pleasurable associations. You can see that John almost tipped the balance and asked the girl to dance, but it took a long time to convince himself, and in the end he stalled and ran out of time.
Lets help John
Now I am going to show you how John is going to make some changes to his pain and pleasure associations, so that he can approach that girl and succeed.
First we need to address the pain that is causing John to fail. The majority of his pain association is coming from his fear of rejection. By the way, this is the most common pain that men associate towards women, so if this is your biggest problem, don't worry, you aren't alone.
Dispel those Painful feelings
So John decided to think things through. He doesn't really know what would happen if he approached her. The fear of the unknown has always been a large factor in his failure. By not knowing the outcome of his approach, it makes him even more unsure of himself. So John decided to consider some scenarios about what would happen if she actually did reject him. Here are some of the scenarios that he considers:
Scenario 1) She might say "Sorry, I'm not interested."
Well, that isn't so bad. Once that is out of the way, perhaps John could try a different approach by saying, "Well, I can respect that. But would you mind if I just spoke with you for a while? It's just that I find you interesting and I would like to get to know you better." Or take a completely different approach. If she isn't interested in that, then perhaps John could accept that she isn't interested in him, and move on. Perhaps he has been focusing on the wrong girl, when there are so many other women that would be interested in him.
Scenario 2) She laughs at John, and says that he is too ugly for her.
This never happens. It is a fear so many men have, but rarely, rarely ever happens. If it does, she is a bitch. Plain and simple, she is not worth Johns time and it's about time that John realizes this. So for the sake of argument, lets say that Johns worst fear happens and he gets laughed at. Maybe there are other people around and they get a chuckle too.
So what does John do? John smiles and replies "I'm sorry that you feel that way, It's just that I found you so attractive, I couldn't help myself. I'll leave you alone now.", and with that John turns and walks away, proud of himself for having handled the situation so well.
Ok, ok, you may be thinking, 'I could never say that after having been laughed at.' Well, my response to you is that you can and you must. That is exactly how to respond in that type of situation. And you'll be practicing it too. By responding in this way, you accomplish 3 very important things.
- You compliment her by calling her attractive.
- You make yourself look very slick in a tough spot.
- You make her look like a bitch.
By complimenting her, it will surely make her feel bad, even if she continues to laugh or taunt, she will later feel horrible. I guarantee it, no woman is that cold. But the majority of women would never laugh in that situation, and even if they did, they would regret it after hearing a response like John gave.
So John imagines these worst case scenarios and guess what. He has already succeeded in removing some of the fear. He has removed some of the fear of the unknown, and prepared himself for the worst case scenario. This dispels some of the perceived pain associations with approaching a woman.
Use Pain to your Advantage
Now John considers what will happen if he doesn't get over his fear of rejection. He considers being lonely for the rest of his life. He thinks about all of the lonely nights, sitting watching re-run TV or surfing the internet. He thinks about all the painful things in his life that would happen if he never gets over his fear.
Can you see what John has done? First he diffused his current pain associations by mentally preparing himself for the worst possible scenario, and then he associated other types of pain to NOT changing. This leverages pain to our advantage, pushing us forward.
Associate Pleasure to Success
Now John considers some other scenarios.
Scenario 3) She smiles and responds positively.
This is a possibility that John hadn't even considered in the past. He was so focused on a negative response, that he never imagined that she might actually like him in return. He soon discovers that they both have a lot in common and hit it off.
After John considers this positive scenario, it makes him think of other pleasurable associations if he succeeds.
- He will get to know someone new
- Soon, he might kiss her!
- John will know that others see that he isn't afraid
- John will gain confidence.
- He will be happy!
John has tilted the scale in his favour. He reduced his fears, used painful associations to drive him forward. He also imagined all of the positive things that will happen to him when he achieves his goal, thus associating pleasure to his success.
John is now prepared and ready to walk right up to that girl and see what happens. He might succeed with her, or he might not, but even if she does reject him, he can move on to another girl.
Develop a thick skin
Life is never perfect. There are times where you may be rejected, and there are times when you may feel bad. The thing that you must realize is that these things pass. It really comes down to your perceptions and the way that you interpret what things mean. If you interpret rejection as the end of the road, then you will surely fail. But if you choose to interpret rejection in a more positive light then you just let it roll off your thick skin and move on. It's not the end of the road, quite the opposite. It's important to realize that there are so many women out there, that failing with many of them doesn't matter at all. All that matters is how you let it affect you. Simply shrug it off, and move onto the next girl. Focus on having an even better time talking with the next girl. Its even possible that she may see that your confidence is unshaken and that you are approaching other women, which may change her perception, and interest in you. If this is the case, play a little hard to get, you're in control of the situation.
Learn to notice how you interpret things that happen in your life and make sure that they are aligned with the person that you want to be. If you get rejected, move on, approach another woman, change your approach, be flexible. Never ever, ever give up.
Your Task - Control your Pain and Pleasure Associations
The first step in taking control, and creating change in ourselves and our lives, is to understand what it is that we are programmed for. What pain and pleasure perceptions are associated in our minds that are causing us to habitually do the things that we do? By evaluating and making changes to these perceptions, you will have the mental mindset to ultimately take control over your life. You must take advantage of the pain and pleasure associations in your life and put them to work for you.
Lets get started. Set aside 60 minutes to be alone and grab that pen or pencil.
Old Pain Associations
List all of the things that you associate with pain, regarding women, sex and relationships. The way to discover what you associate pain with, is to simply ask yourself some key questions.
- What about women scares me?
- What do I dislike or hate about women?
- Why do I dislike or hate that about women?
- How do I feel around women?
Repeat these same questions but replace the word 'women', with 'relationships' and again with 'sex'.
Now analyze the answers that you are coming up with. They will provide you with plenty of clues about any pain that you are currently associating with women, relationships and sex. It's really important, that you truly discover the pain associations that are unique to you so that you can appropriately change them. Can you see how these associations are working against you?
On a fresh page following your Milestones and Goals, write the title Old Pain Associations at the top of the page and then write down all of your OLD pain associations below it.
Now think about all of these painful associations. Are they real pains or just perceptions of pain?
When you have given that some thought, I want you to create a new visualization of the worst case scenarios of your pains and fears and see yourself turning them around. Become the hero in this visualization so that it gives you positive feelings in that situation. If you can make yourself feel positive in the absolute worst situation, then you can handle anything! Add this visualization to your journal now, and title it, "Worst Case Hero". It should follow right after your last visualization, "Your Ultimate Goal".
Really focus on eliminating your fears, by changing them into experiences that will just make you a stronger better person. Transform any of these negative scenarios into positive ones.
New Pain Associations - make Pain your new Ally
Now we have to make pain our ally. The best way to do this, is to realize ALL of the painful things that will happen to us if we don't change ourselves. Imagine all of the things that you will miss out on if you don't succeed.
Ask yourself:
- What will happen if I continue traveling down the path to loneliness?
- How will I feel if I don't succeed?
- How will I feel if I give up?
- What will happen if I don't make these changes RIGHT NOW?
- What will other people think of me if I am alone for my whole life?
Ask yourself any question that is going to cause you to associate painful or fearful emotions to NOT changing and succeeding. This will give you extremely powerful momentum.
Old Pleasure Associations
List all of the things that you associate with pleasure regarding women, sex and relationships. Some of these may be good pleasures that you have correctly associated, that's great, we are going to use those and make them even stronger.
But perhaps, you have some pleasure associations that really should be negative. How can this be? The mind works in bizarre fashions, and sometimes people can develop behavioural patterns that that lead to pleasure through alternate methods.
Take the example of Albert.
Albert was lonely and that made him depressed. Noticing his depression, Alberts family lavished all kinds of attention on him in the hopes that they could help him out of his depression. It worked, Albert was loving the attention that he was getting and soon returned to normal. But somehow in the process, Albert associated the pleasure of the attention that he received, with being lonely, which created a vicious cycle. In this situation, Albert is in serious trouble unless he makes some changes.
As strange as this scenario may seem, it's actually more common than one might think. So be honest with yourself. Is there anything that gives you pleasure that you really should be linking with pain?
If you discover any pleasure associations that should be pain associations, then disassociate them by visualizing the effects that these wrong associations are having on you. Create any applicable visualizations on a fresh page in your journal now. Give it an appropriate title.
New Pleasure Associations
Now lets associate some pleasure with your goals and your success. Ask yourself these questions:
- How will I feel when I reach my goal?
- What kind of person will I be when I achieve my goal?
- How will my success positively affect other areas of my life?
Ask yourself any specific questions that associate positive emotions with your success.
Create a visualization that summarizes these positive feelings and add it to your journal, title it "I did it!". Your list of Visualizations should be getting fairly lengthy at this point. Don't let that overwhelm you, we will set up a schedule to keep your organized soon enough.
If you rushed through this Pain and Pleasure Association process, please go back and give it the attention that it deserves. It's a very powerful tool for making True change that lasts. After you have completed this task, take a break before moving onto the next chapter.
Quitting Smoking
I know its not related to being confident with women, but I used to be a smoker, and have found my life to be so much better now that I've quit, so I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about it again. It took me many, many attempts before I finally pulled it off. I used the techniques I've been teaching you in this program and I also seeked help.
If you found yourself noticing similar issues with yourself as you found with Joe the Smoker example, and are interested in quiting smoking, then make a true decision to quit once and for all. Use what you've learned in this program and also enlist help to break the addiction. Smoking is harmful to you, and will likely shorten your life. Check out this great program to help you quit smoking! And practise visualization and what you've learned in this chapter to keep you a non-smoker for the rest of your life.
